Stress Baking

I am a stress baker. If I am worried or anxious I find myself in the kitchen making sweet things which we rarely eat at home but which my co-workers generally appreciate. Last night I made milk chocolate egg cookies – chocolate upon chocolate upon chocolate. They are sweet and crunchy and make the world a little brighter.

So what was in my kitchen at 8pm on a Wednesday night stress baking?


I lost 3 colleagues to an angry guy with a gun. The educator for the pediatric unit where I worked, and 2 other professors of nursing who were instrumental in my orientation to being a nurse in the USA. He was angry because he was failing his classes. By all reports he was angry, would shout at his teachers, and had an all-around bad attitude, and a strong sense of entitlement. His entitlement and anger lead to him slaughtering 3 women who he felt had done him wrong. He was not mentally ill, he knew exactly what he was doing when he shot Robyn in her office and Barb and Cheryl in front of a class full of students. He made a very conscious decision to punish, to wound and to destroy. Since that day, I don’t do well with mass shootings (although this was not technically a mass shooting because he didn’t kill enough people). I get anxious, and tearful and angry and sad.

Now I appreciate that my reaction to these things is in part colored by my being English, and being from a country where we have strict gun control. It does not mean as a country that we have escaped since 1987 we have had 3 mass shootings, Hungerford, Dunblane and Cumbria. A total of 46 people died and 45 were injured in these 3 massacres. Since 1987 in the USA there have been 17 mass shootings (defined as more than 4 victims, excluding the perpetrator) and 338 people have been killed (excluding the perpetrators). If we look at specifically school shootings there has been 1 in the UK and that was Dunblane, where 18 were killed and 15 injured in a shooting at a primary school. In the USA since 1997 (the year of the Dunblane Massacre) there have been as many as 226 school shootings. I did not count the dead and wounded because by the time I had gotten through the first 62 shootings (94 deaths and 162 injuries) I just couldn’t keep counting. I was nauseous.

Yesterday there was another school shooting in America. This was the 18th this year, the deadliest since Sandy Hook. It happened in a town in Florida that had just been voted the safest town in Florida. It wasn’t gang related, it wasn’t a random person with a severe psychotic illness, it was carried out by a 19-year-old. A 19-year-old who had been legally able to purchase a semi-automatic weapon, and ridiculous amounts of ammunition. A 19-year-old who can’t legally buy a beer could buy a weapon that has no place outside of the military. He could not by a Corona but he could by a fucking AR-15. The Ar-15 in case you didn’t know was designed off the M16 used by the military during combat. The Ar-15 uses magazines that hold 20-30 rounds. That means this weapon can fire 20-30 rounds per magazine, and apparently an experienced (not professional – just experienced) shooter could on average manage to get off 90 rounds/minute – more if they are just spraying randomly and not worrying about accuracy. Just ponder that for a moment – in close quarters, with people with nowhere to go facing 90 bullets per minutes.

Our politicians are already telling us not to rush to judgment, to send our thoughts and prayers, that its once again too early to talk about gun control. They are telling us to look at the mental health of the perpetrator, and wonder how he slipped through the cracks. We are being asked to wring our hands, and wonder what all we could have done to save him from himself. Here’s the thing though even if he has a psychiatric illness, it is unlikely that it robbed him of the ability to know right from wrong, it is highly unlikely that he was suffering from a psychotic disorder with command hallucinations. When we insist on linking this to mental illness we are stripping the responsibility from the individual for their own savagery. We are denying that in this country we have a gun problem, that it is too easy to get a gun, and too easy to use a gun to solve your problems. We are also stripping the responsibility away from law makers who have been bought and paid for by the gun lobby and who refuse to implement any form of gun control. We put the whims and wishes of the NRA above the lives of children. We must admit that as a nation we have failed.